You’ve met someone, they make you laugh, you have some similarities, he/she accepts your “flaws and all,” your relationship starts to become a little more serious, ya’ll start doing a lot more together, you guys are taking the “test” trips to see if you can handle each other for more than 24hrs and then it gets real, the question of, should we move in together?…Oh my gosh!!! YOU ARE IN LUV or are you?
I used to think that luv did not exist and sometimes I still don’t. I believed that people fall into lust and because they so badly want the idea of “love” they are willing to accept anything and settle for what crosses their path.
I looked up the definition for “love” and it seems so simple but, nothing is simple when you have the human factor involved.
Love (according to Webster): an intense feeling of deep affection, a person or thing that one loves, or a feel of deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
Let’s look at the definition of “lust.”
Lust: very strong sexual desire, have a very strong sexual desire for someone
Definitions sound kind of similar don’t they? Just stronger adjectives to make it seem as though they are not the same.
Now, back to the scenario above. You guys chose to move in with each other. There are quirks you don’t particularly care for but, you “let that shit go” because you know how to pick and choose your battles. However, there are certain things that “grind your gears” and you fuss about. That’s part of a relationship, communicating by fussing… right? Wrong. You are beginning to find more faults that you know you did not sign up for but, you trying to make it work because all relationships take work.
Wayment!!! You didn’t tell me that you were gonna have a child. Was that in the picture or was it a surprise? Either way, what you are gonna do? What are his beliefs in raising children? How does she want to raise the child? Were your upbringings good ones? Will they affect what you do or don’t do with the munchkin(s)? Questions you never thought to ask until now and probably still won’t.
The child has arrived, the right thing to do is get married so, this union can be legit. We don’t want another broken home. The faults that you tolerated before are intensified now. You have a little human being constantly needing attention and your significant other being them but, because of the new variable in the complex equation called life, you are viewing things completely differently. Those little quirks that you thought were cute before are no longer cute. You are constantly upset. “Here it is, I am taking care of a baby, and you want to go hang out with your friends and leave me here by ‘myself?’” “Fine, be selfish.” “You ain’t no baby so, you need to clean up after yourself cuz, I ain’t the one.” Arguing has become a part of your daily or weekly routine.
Your relationship takes a spiraling turn (possibly for the worst)? Did lust wear off? The idea of being in luv finally fade away? Where you ever truly in luv? Did you not understand when you signed up for this luv thing, that “falling in luv can be easy, staying in luv is too tricky” – Raphael Saadiq
A friend once told me;
“I believe in love, love is a selfless act, an act that does not expect anything in return because it is genuine. You would do anything for your love without strings attached…the problem is, most mess up when they become angry when they are not “loved” in return. If your love is pure, regardless of what the other person has done, their actions should not change who you are. If the love is not reciprocated, you move on and respect the situation for what it was.” That is my paraphrase but, it is so true.
For me, I take it one step further. Luv first starts with luv’n yourself
. Once you have come to learn to luv you then it is okay to safely search for a luving relationship with another. Luv
is about communication, respect, appreciation, truth, lust, independence and friendship. If you don’t have communication you will never know what the other is thinking; arguing is not the way to communicate. It is a whole bunch of noise yielding no results. Respecting someone and their feelings, opinions, and their being says more about you and who you are as a person. Appreciating one’s individuality, independence and luv for you makes a relationship so much better. The truth is always key. No matter how much you don’t want to speak it at times (it’s called tact – I haven’t figured out how to be tactful yet), it needs to be said. If it weren’t for lust, you two probably would not have been together in the first place. Hello?!?! Lust give spark when needed and keeps your drive for the person strong. And friendship, if you don’t have friendship, then why are you together. Friendship equals respect, trust, security, appreciation, and communication. Think about the many friends you have. There is a reason why you guys were friends for so long and now, your partner, the one you have chosen to live your life with should be your biggest friend, your confidant, your ride or die.
Do I believe in luv? There are glimpses of hope from time to time but, I still find myself straddling the fence of optimism and pessimism when it comes to “true luv.” I believe in the idea of luv. I believe that it could happen…believing and seeing is two different things. I know this is not how all relationships are; this is a compilation of relationships I have went through and witnessed with others. I have seen true love and while I know it exist the human nature in me is a little skeptical at times of its purity. However, when luv happens to cross my path, I will be ready for the challenge.