What Will Be, Will Be

Standard

When getting to know someone during the like – like phase (beginning) superficial questions are asked in efforts to get to know each other.

Him: Who’s your fave Avenger?

Me: Who do you think? There are wrong answers. Lol

Him: Black Panther

Me: no

Him: Panther characters?

Me: *replies cringingly from his last question* No

He provides several other characters and I reply, “Black Widow”

Him: I like Iron Man

Me: Why?

Him: He talks the most trash

Me: *exits conversation *

In most cases, it is the female who tries to act as if she’s interested in topics the man she’s interested in likes. For the first time, I am on the opposite side of the conversation. I am a nerd and the guy insulted the affinity I have for sci-fi/nerd/comic lore with just a few words (nerds understand the dialogue above and the cringeworthiness of the questions and answers provided). I then realized, getting to know someone is challenging. We have these expectations, criteria’s, deadlines established in our head of how we want this new relationship to progress and when it doesn’t progress in a way that pleases us, we automatically dead the situation (lose interest). After realizing this, I had to take a step back and assess and understand it’s two people in this “relationship.” In time you will know if this will progress into something more or you will remain friends.

Him

You want him to do things according to your ideas of how relationships should be. You want him to call and text you all the time, take you out and shower you with attention; you want this fairy tale relationship manifestation. Not taking in account what his past is and why he is moving at his pace. All you understand is, he is not moving according to your 5-point plan.

Me

Being a daddy’s gurl, I am spoiled in the sense that my dad has shown me how a man should take care of his woman. My standards are high and sometimes I judge harshly regarding my friends or potential male interest. I feel as if everyone should be on my level when they interact with me. And disappointed when they aren’t. Not realizing if I was judged how I judge others…I would have no friends and locked in a bunker somewhere.

Revelation

My mom once told me to treat courtship/the man you are interested in as if you were friends. Think about it: “Your friends are who you are the most realest with. Why should the man you are interested in be treated any different?” This takes the pressure off trying to make “sparks fly.” What will be, will be. If in the journey, the potential of something more than friendship manifest in an organic way then, you now have a foundation to build upon because you gained a friend before diving head first. Knowing the man/woman you are befriending shows you respect them enough to know the real them. The truth them. Respecting their courting process (with caveats) is about the give and take.

Relationships are often times one sided. By taking the time to slow down and allowing them to form organically we in turn build a stronger, more sustainable relationship. Each person is different. Their past can loom over and carry into their next journey. You don’t want to begin something with someone who is damaged/trying to heal. Knowing in the beginning where they stand helps your expectation management. Also, going with the notion of becoming friends first allows you to keep life in perspective. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy your friend.

(Photo courtesy of https://legaltrapmack.myportfolio.com/travel )
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Impression

Standard

We search for acceptance from our friends, family, co workers, children, husband/boyfriends, the person walking down the street, the waiter at a restaurant, not realizing that an impression has already been made.  A person has already looked at you and assessed your actions based on their standards.  It’s not until one decides they want to know you that their initial impression ranges from dislike, content, and/or admiration.  Questions: “So why?,” “Why should you care?” and “What is the fix?”

So Why?

Why do we try to make an impression? Why do we care so much? Why? Why? Why? My five cents…we do it because we were conditioned this way.  Think of when you were a kid; before you left the house your parents would warn you not to “act a fool,”  “your actions are a reflection of this household,” they would say.  What about your first date?  The unwritten rule, “Don’t show him/her who you really are.  “Wait a few dates/months’ or the crazy one “until you are married and he’s trapped.”  You go on a job interview, wear certain clothes, you speak and conduct yourself in a manner that is so uncommon that you have to coach yourself days before the interview; then you get the job and the first few months you are on your best behavior and once you feel comfortable you become a little more relax.  Restaurants – same thing, there are even social etiquette classes on how to conduct yourself in a social setting; as we speak, there is a format on how to engage your audience when blogging – “Social Norms” we call them.

So…why should we care?

I have a coworker who wants a James Jean “Crayon Eater” tattoo, however, is hesitant because of the social stigma that blinds our creativity and individuality.  She’s not sure how she would be perceived.  In speaking with her, this is one of her favorite artist, his work describes perfectly what is in her head.  Why should she care?

My son, a young black boy growing up in a “free”  but racist, discriminant, world.  Why should I care? Especially when, as much as you try to ensure they speak /respect others, peoples hate can sometimes affect how they treat people of color.  Why should I care?

The Fix

If we were meant to be the same, we would all be the same color, height, weight, sex; we would speak a certain way, conduct ourselves as a “Collective.”  My response to my coworkers hesitancy about getting the tattoo, “Tattoos are extensions of art, an extension of you.  If this is something you luv, do it.  When you luv it, you don’t regret it.”  In her situation she should not care what others thinks.

Me, I am 7 of 9.  I was once part of a collective: I had to think, act, and dress a certain way until I realized there was a way to construct my social etiquette without losing sight of who I am.  As I mature, I realize there is a need to “instruct” others on how they conduct themselves.  Every action will have a reaction.  We as individuals choose how our first impressions to others will be and should accept the reactions given.

My son, I should care.  I want him to make an impression, his impression.  So, what do I do?  I explain to him what I have learned, show him what happens when he goes left, or goes right, I teach him to think for himself, I provide him with the good, the bad, the ugly; I explain to him my idea of life and what it’s about, and as he grows/matures I pray that his impression is a positive lasting impression.  I pray whatever path he chooses, he thought about it and accepts the journey he will take.

As long as we are aware of our actions, impressions though needed should be our own.