When getting to know someone during the like – like phase (beginning) superficial questions are asked in efforts to get to know each other.
Him: Who’s your fave Avenger?
Me: Who do you think? There are wrong answers. Lol
Him: Black Panther
Him: Panther characters?
Me: *replies cringingly from his last question* No
He provides several other characters and I reply, “Black Widow”
Him: I like Iron Man
Him: He talks the most trash
Me: *exits conversation *
In most cases, it is the female who tries to act as if she’s interested in topics the man she’s interested in likes. For the first time, I am on the opposite side of the conversation. I am a nerd and the guy insulted the affinity I have for sci-fi/nerd/comic lore with just a few words (nerds understand the dialogue above and the cringeworthiness of the questions and answers provided). I then realized, getting to know someone is challenging. We have these expectations, criteria’s, deadlines established in our head of how we want this new relationship to progress and when it doesn’t progress in a way that pleases us, we automatically dead the situation (lose interest). After realizing this, I had to take a step back and assess and understand it’s two people in this “relationship.” In time you will know if this will progress into something more or you will remain friends.
You want him to do things according to your ideas of how relationships should be. You want him to call and text you all the time, take you out and shower you with attention; you want this fairy tale relationship manifestation. Not taking in account what his past is and why he is moving at his pace. All you understand is, he is not moving according to your 5-point plan.
Being a daddy’s gurl, I am spoiled in the sense that my dad has shown me how a man should take care of his woman. My standards are high and sometimes I judge harshly regarding my friends or potential male interest. I feel as if everyone should be on my level when they interact with me. And disappointed when they aren’t. Not realizing if I was judged how I judge others…I would have no friends and locked in a bunker somewhere.
My mom once told me to treat courtship/the man you are interested in as if you were friends. Think about it: “Your friends are who you are the most realest with. Why should the man you are interested in be treated any different?” This takes the pressure off trying to make “sparks fly.” What will be, will be. If in the journey, the potential of something more than friendship manifest in an organic way then, you now have a foundation to build upon because you gained a friend before diving head first. Knowing the man/woman you are befriending shows you respect them enough to know the real them. The truth them. Respecting their courting process (with caveats) is about the give and take.
Relationships are often times one sided. By taking the time to slow down and allowing them to form organically we in turn build a stronger, more sustainable relationship. Each person is different. Their past can loom over and carry into their next journey. You don’t want to begin something with someone who is damaged/trying to heal. Knowing in the beginning where they stand helps your expectation management. Also, going with the notion of becoming friends first allows you to keep life in perspective. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy your friend.